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Maxwell's Billet Doux: Friend or foe?

Billet-Doux: n. (bĭl'ā dōō, or "billa doo") A love letter. (literally "sweet letter" in French)

So, you have your friends and then you have the people who you think are your friends. Those people are called “frienamies.”

Urban dictionary defines a frienemy as someone who pretends to be your friend but really isn't, as in they turn on you.

Let’s face it, we have all been faced with fake friends. Hell, I'll be the first to admit I have been one. I committed the biggest sin of all in a friendship.I slept with my so-called best friend’s man. And not just once.

Here's my story. Let’s hope I've learned from it and maybe you can too.

The situation is as bad as it sounds. It all started after I met him for the first time. I was intentionally rude to him because I figured he wouldn't be around a long time considering the line of work that my “girlfriend” was in. I mean escorting doesn't really leave anytime for a boyfriend, now does it?

One night, my then roommate decided to buddy up with my bestie’s man and invite him over. I came home from work shocked to see the man sitting at my kitchen counter. I decided to go with the flow and have a drink. Going with the flow isn’t my strong suit and maybe this is why.

We then proceeded to the popular club Eden (now 1202). It was packed. I took it upon myself to watch the man that was the so called “bf” of my then BFF. So as men hit on him, I warned them politely that he was taken and to back off.

When one man got too grabby, I became outraged and ripped the guy off and told him that the man was indeed my bf and to back off, pushing the guy away. Why I did this I have no clue. My boyfriend?

For some strange reason, the off-limits boyfriend found this move of protection attractive and decided to buy me a drink, then proceeded to ask me to dance. I thought to myself, "well, what's the worst that could happen?"

(Never ask yourself that question!)

As we started to dance, I was trying to play coy. But when he pulled me close, I could feel his breath on my neck and I knew I was in trouble. He gave me the “I'm going to kiss you” eyes and it was all downhill from there.

We all went home early that night because my roommate got obliterated. Once we successfully put him in bed, I made a bed for the off-limits boyfriend on the couch.

Here’s where it gets juicy. Somehow in the midst of it all, we started kissing and eventually going too far. I couldn't help it. I was so attracted to him and there was no stopping it. The only mistake was one being on the couch where one girl roommate found us sleeping together in the morning.

The affair continued for about a month after that. Some of my cruel acts included:

* Taking a picture of my bestie kissing another man and sending it to her bf.

* Seeing her man while she was out of town on business.

* Giving him a “ehhh hem” while he was on the phone with her

* Getting flowers from the bf while they were on vacation with her family because I had informed him of a time when she cheated.

Let’s just say it’s not something I'm most proud of. Even the people who you think are closest to you can stab you in the back.

Maybe I did it subconsciously to get back at a few things she had done to me that we won't mention. Maybe I did it to her to figure out myself. Or maybe because I simply liked the thrill.

Anyway, I got caught. She was suspicious that I was an informant to her cheating boyfriend. Little did I know she was planning to come into my room while I slept and slip my phone from under my pillow and go through it.

When she put in my password, she got more than she bargained for. I wasn't an informant. I was a frienamy and I committed the worst crime. Let’s just say our friendship ended terribly. I had to clear up a lot of things on both sides and even clear my own heart.

My one question out of the entire situation and years later is how do you forgive the boyfriend who initiated the original act, but not the best friend? Maybe because she had let me in farther than the bf and I knew more than most people.

I ask myself today, how do I avoid this happening to me? How do I avoid this happening to anyone of my friends? How do I make sure I don't do it again?

Well, it all starts with having a guard up. Till you truly feel you can trust someone, don’t let your guard down.

When I look back on that friendship, I realized I was never myself with her. I gave good face. I acted like a different person. I acted as if I was better than everyone when I wasn't. I hope the “socialites” who read this learn something. It's better to have one or a few close friends that you know 100% rather than have a friend that you only think you know. Ask yourself. Do I know them? Do they know me?

Yes, I had my “Mean Girls” moment in real life. People will make fun of that movie, but in reality things like that do happen.

Find your real friends to be truly happy and you won't ever worry about having a frienamie in your circle. I know my columns are becoming more and more about sex and self-building, but these are social topics not discussed enough.

It's important to truly know and love yourself. RuPaul's famous for saying, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love anyone else?"

He's right!

Take it from me.



San Diego native Dustin Maxwell grew up all over America's Finest City. After graduating from Ramona High School, attending Palomar College, and a two year apprenticeship, "Dusty" became a certified hair stylist. For the last ten years, he has also performed his way around town in companies such as San Diego Gay Men's Chorus, the Starlight Theatre and a plethora of other local community theaters. Maxwell is also co-founder of an all male burlesque troupe, The Boylesque Tomcats. In his free time, he works closely with local fashion designers putting together extravagant runway shows and large social events. He currently manages a popular local eatery in the heart of downtown, as well as two specialty boutiques in the area. With his flare for performing and fashion, you are sure to see him out and about making San Diego a little more vibrant and exciting. He can be reached at MAXWELLSBILLETDOUX@aol.com