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Aunt Johnny: Dissing Naomi, rejecting Lindsay and punking Elton

Ever since Naomi Campbell appeared on Oprah to discuss her issues with anger management, she hasn't been any fun at all. She hasn't beat up one single servant in weeks - and quite frankly, I'm beginning to get concerned.

And now, I find out she's found kabbalah. According to Page Six in the New York Post, she has been meeting in secret with Madonna's mentor, Eitan Yardeni.

Since when does she believe in the principles of kabbalah anyway? Two years ago, she was bashing it in the media by saying, "I knew about kabbalah before Madonna got involved. Kabbalah is not a religion, it's a program. I don't like to get hooked on things like that. It reminds me of AA, but just with different words. They've got the same principles ... I just believe in God. I am religious. I pray most days and do my thing. But each to their own."

Now she's drinking the kabbalah Kool-Aid and getting all Zohar on our buttocks.

Where does that leave me? Does this mean we won't spend anymore Friday evenings hiding behind trash cans outside Kohl’s and punking poorly dressed patrons as they come out? Seeing her lose her temper and fly into a rage is what endears me to her most, and if she ends up finding peace through spirituality, I'm afraid we'll drift apart and have nothing in common anymore. I was distraught with worry.

And Lindsay Lohan dropping buy to ask a favor was not helping matters.

"No, I'm not paying for your trip to Cannes," I said flatly.

Desperate to go to the film festival this year to wrangle money for her recently green-lighted Linda Lovelace biopic "Inferno," she's been trying to swing a free trip for a while now, but no one seems willing to pay for it. I guess people are worried she'll use the money on illegal cow tranquilizers instead of plane fare (again). So here she is in my living room, turning on the water works trying to guilt me into footing the bill while sneaking Tic Tacs from my candy dish into her purse.

"You can just forget about it, young lady," I continued, "And honey, those aren't pills. They're breath mints."

She frowned and emptied out the stash she'd stuffed in her purse onto my floor and stormed out. Kids.

I could feel my tension mounting ... and I needed to do something to blow off some steam. Since Naomi is too busy meditating in a hot room with incense, I had to find something to relax on my own. So I spent the afternoon applying peroxide to all of Elton John's hair pieces. That did seem to relax me a little.

Love ya like the good ol' days terrorizing unattractive people with Naomi,

Aunt Johnny

For years now, Aunt Johnny has been doling out advice to celebrity friends and family - bringing a little dose of wisdom wrapped in wit, sprinkled with satire and sautéed in drama to those who can't seem to get their act together. He's helped to prevent fashion catastrophes, stupid career choices and petty romantic theatrics to some of the most famous names in show business and politics ... all from the comfort of his martini glass. Now, he's bringing his celebrity and pop culture buzz to San Diego Gay & Lesbian News. With tongue in cheek, he's taking pop culture shaken and stirred. Then he's shaking it some more.

Additional reading

Link to Lindsay Lohan story.

Link to Naomi Campbell story.