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Cupid ain't stupid: Valentine's gifts that will getcha some

They say abstinence makes the heart grow fonder. Or is it absence? Eh, who cares – you just wanna get lucky! And if you play your cards right, playa’, you might just bring down the house!

One thing we hope you never gamble with is your health. Now, you can stay safe – and stimulated – with LifeStyles Condoms’ latest innovation in contraception, SKYN. Committed to providing its purchasers with the best product possible, SKYN is the first and only clinically-approved polyisoprene condom. Exactly what does that mean? In layman’s term, it’ll let your willy feel freer than ever before. (price: TBD; available: grocery, convenience and drugstores nationwide)
If you think “healthy” chocolate is an oxymoron, think again. XoÇai: The Healthy Chocolate is produced with unprocessed, non-alkalized, non-lecithinized Belgian cocoa powder, then combined with blueberry and açai berry to create a sweet treat that’s not only as tasty as your artery-clogging go-to brands, but also packed with powerful antioxidants. Even better, Xoçai is devoid of the caffeine, preservatives, fillers, waxes, processed sugar and trans fats that comprise its confectionary brethren. Dry your eyes, Russell Stover – there’s always next year. (TBD; www.cacaoforyou.com)
What began as a hobby has become a boon for husband and wife entrepreneurs Kyle Morris and Nicole Mogyorosi, who started House of Hazelnut Papery four years ago as an alternative to their self-proclaimed “aversion to generic greeting cards." Today the company boasts more than 100 returning clients, and the couple is gearing up to launch the brand into the competitive retail market. But before House of Hazelnut sets out on its hunt for a piece of Hallmark’s profits, you can get its handmade, eco-friendly holiday greetings sent straight to your door. ($3 and up; www.houseofhazelnut.etsy.com)
Various florae have long been a staple of Valentine’s Day, but what statement do they make about your “everlasting” love when a week later they’re limper than you after a few shots of Smirnoff? Thought we didn’t know? Trust us, it shows. Instead, opt for a bouquet of flowers that will truly stand the test of time with San Francisco-based artist Tim Aldridge’s Flowers collection, a series of high-quality prints priced for every budget. Available framed or unframed, Aldridge’s collection includes roses, water lilies and a variety of other colorful blossoms. (From $28.47; www.timaldridge.imagekind.com)
Looking for love in modern-day London has never been more charming. Billed as a “grown-up gay movie for smart gay audiences,” “Mr. Right” follows a group of successful gay men – TV producer Harry, rugby player William and wealthy artist Tom – on a fast-paced, unabashedly flamboyant ride through the hills and valleys of life. Sounds just like the nightmare you’re living, doesn’t it? If only … ($24.95; www.wolfereleasing.com)
One peek at him in 2wink’s “Cool Devil” or “Hot Angel” undies – high-cut cotton-spandex boxer briefs available in red/white and blue/white respectively – and you’re mini-mate will be saluting “G’day.” The only underwear brand produced in Perth, Western Australia (while others take production offshore), 2wink was created due to its founder’s frustration of buying expensive underwear that didn’t last. Durable and affordable, these skivvies have since become the easiest way to go Down Under without leaving the sheets. ($26.96; www.2wink.com.au)
An appropriately titled debut record if there ever was one, Cortes Alexander’s “Swell” will cause your heart do the same with its 16-track collection of jazz, pop-rock and euro-lounge-inspired songs. This evocative, emotional escape of an album was produced by McKay Garner (Red Hot Chili Peppers) and has received rave reviews from the likes of the Miami Herald, Instinct Magazine and Broadway World. ($9.99; iTunes and CDBaby.com)
Butter makes everything better. And in the case of Boy Butter, a line of personal lubricants, a truer statement has never been made. A unique addition to the lube industry, Boy Butter fuses vegetable oil with silicone to create an agent with a creamy consistency, but one just as slick, long lasting and easy to clean up as water-based varieties. Created by 24-year-old entrepreneur Eyal Feldman, Boy Butter’s full line of products includes Original, H20, Extreme, Extreme H20, Warming and – er – Bonerz … the description of which even we’re not touching with a 10-inch pole. ($10 and up; www.boybutter.com)
And now a little something for the ladies! Rosangel, a new tequila from The House of Gran Centenario, is infused with hibiscus then aged for a year to achieve the hooch’s distinctive pink hue and a deliciously earthy flavor. Marketed exclusively to the fairer sex, this premium reposado is the perfect gift for the woman who has everything. Like, say, a tendency to lower her inhibitions. ($36.99; www.rosangel.com)
Does Cupid have his arrow aimed at shy Mayson and his newfound crush Reiley – or will Reiley’s penchant for chocolate scones cause Mason’s cookie to crumble before they leave the coffee shop? Oh, the drama! Still, what "Be Mine" from director Dave Padilla, lacks in originality it makes up for in fresh-faced cuties ... and that’s all you care about anyway. ($29.95; www.ariztical.com)
Give your lover the gift of life with a new device poised to revolutionize the tobacco smoking industry. Cigotine – an electronic cigarette that looks, feels and tastes like a real butt – delivers the same enjoyment sans the tar, chemicals and negative societal effects associated with smoking. With its proprietary two-piece design, Cigotine is driven by an integrated structure made up of a cartridge, an atomization chamber and a built-in rechargeable lithium battery. When smokers inhale, an indicator light glows to simulate a burning effect while the mouthpiece releases a water mist that resembles smoke, leaving no residual behind. Except, of course, that kiss you plan to plant. ($79.95; www.cigotine.com)
Mikey Rox is an award-winning journalist/writer and the principal of Paper Rox Scissors, a copywriting and creative consulting company in New York City. Find him at www.paperroxscissors.com.