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Filth2Go January 22, 2010

"Ladies and gentlemen, the director and star of 'The Beaver', Golden Globe winner Jodie Foster." - The actress' upcoming flick got quite a plug at the Golden Globes. And, you know, she's been researching "The Beaver" for decades.

We're just starting up award season and it could be a bad omen that Hollywood is engulfed in torrential rain. The Golden Globes were a soggy affair, with the most prevalent accessory being an umbrella (ella, ella, hey, hey). However, that didn't dampen my spirits - especially since I was sporting my new silver tuxedo and looking quite dapper, if I do say so myself. That opinion was echoed all evening by celebs and civilians alike who stopped to comment on my dashing appearance - most notably, the pretty dashing Gilles Marini, who said if I added some sequins to my lapels, I could be on "Dancing with the Stars"! It may have been the Golden Globes, but silver was most definitely the color of the evening - and I'm not just saying that as a trend setter and fashion plate.

You know what else was a trend? Boobs! Oh, there were breasts everywhere - you turned a corner, and BOOM, titties right in your face. Standing in the lobby of the Beverly Hills Hotel, a loud voice yelled through the crowd, "Make a hole", as security pushed Mariah Carey and her mammoth mammaries literally into my face. I'm sure it's not the first time her arrival was introduced with those words - but she looked kinda embarrassed. And she should have. Oy, that dress...

Speaking of fashion, what should have been a professional dream turned into a fashion nightmare as Chloë Sevigny ended up with a torn train on live TV, courtesy of a friend of mine. Sexy Joe Everett Michaels was one of the male escorts situated at the foot of the stairs to help female winners to the podium. The problem was, he stepped on her voluminous train as she took a step closer to the microphone. Suddenly, a tear could be heard throughout the ballroom and Sevigny (whose first name showed up on television as "Chloï"), exclaimed, "I can't believe he just ripped my dress!" Happily, she had a back-up frock with her - a fabulous (and much more flattering) black number - which she changed into prior to the HBO party.

After the awards, people scattered to a variety of soirées throughout the hotel. Some had better luck than others. AnnaLynne McCord looked ridiculous walking through the lobby in a Grecian goddess/Barbarella-inspired gown, while Lindsay Lohan nixed bringing an umbrella and sported a sequined hoodie/dress! But at least they were recognizable. Poor Kristen Bell kept recounting her resume just to get past the gatekeepers. Security was tight and if you didn't have an invite or if the door person didn't recognize you, there was no admission. The "Glee" kids had some difficulties getting into the HBO party, but did OK with Warner Brothers/In Style. It worked out perfectly since Neil Patrick Harris was already sequestered in a booth with producer Ryan Murphy plotting a guest spot on "Glee" for May sweeps. 'Cause, that's what happens at the parties - deals.

Shortly after chatting with Ryan Murphy, Neil and boyfriend David Burtka were already on the move to the HBO party. Along the way, they passed a seemingly inebriated Chris Kattan, who appeared to be kept upright with the assistance of a woman on either side. I would have given Kattan a roadside sobriety test, but my attention was diverted by a statuesque black woman in an enormous hat trying to talk her way into the party. That was no woman - that was Grace Jones! And she succeeded in gaining entrance - 'cause who's gonna fuck with Grace Jones? She held court only tables away from George Lucas (who was talking about his "Star Wars" in 3D project), Drew Barrymore (who enjoyed her "Grey Gardens" win on the arm of "friend" Justin Long), and Ricky Gervais (who was laughing with his "Extras" co-star Ashley Jensen).

Usually I can count on Jeremy Piven to be partying with his "Entourage" boys till last call, but this year he was thisclose to "Mad Men" star January Jones. They scurried out early and were later spied at the Chateau Marmont. Brendan Fraser didn't look like he wanted to talk to anyone, so a rather large security-like chaperone dissuaded people who tried to get too close to that "hair". Maria Menounos was huddled in a corner with Seth MacFarlane, while Nia Vardalos was solo (hubby Ian Gomez was home babysitting). Patricia Arquette and Thomas Jane made sure the paparazzi got pics of them as a happy couple, and then went their separate ways. And the hot guys from "True Blood" were everywhere you looked.

At one point in the evening, I found myself inches away from Matthew Bomer. As you know, he's been featured prominently in this column over the past few months - what with speculation about his sexuality, his ex leaking pics of them making out, and said ex posing in underwear. All that coverage surely led to the line of questioning in the current issue of "Details" where Matt is asked point blank about the gay rumors. He simply said, "I don't care about that at all. I'm completely happy and fulfilled in my personal life." When pressed, he refused to comment saying, "I have a network and a show riding on my shoulders." You know what I say? BRAVO! He's not denying it, nor is he dragging female friends along for photo ops (take that, Kristen). He's simply doing his job and keeping his private life private. That's all I ask. Back to our tête-à-tête - I didn't grill him or put him on the spot. I congratulated him on "White Collar" being picked up for a second season, wished him well, and we took a photo together. After all, he is dreamy. And incredibly sweet and sincere. So, back off bitches...I'm giving him a pass (I also made a pass, but that's another story).

While I was celebrating in Hollywood, I can't deny that part of me was concerned about the special election for Ted Kennedy's senatorial seat in Massachusetts. While I like Martha Coakley, I wasn't surprised at Scott Brown's win. In Beantown, he's popular, accessible, and known for posing nude in the June 1982 issue of "Cosmopolitan". He may look good now, but he was even hotter back then - which some speculate helped tempt the gay vote (we're a fickle people). Allegedly, it was his younger sister who submitted a shirtless pic of the then 22-year-old BC law student to "Cosmo". However, he didn't have to be cajoled to drop his jeans: "I'm not ashamed of my body. I sure work hard enough to keep it in shape. When you go to the beach, you automatically seek out the best bodies, female and male. Why should it be different in a magazine?" Why indeed. We'll be happy to run his nude on BillyMasters.com. In fact, just for kicks, we'll run one of Ted Kennedy, too.

When I'm finding any reason to admire a Republican, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Phew, we ran awfully long this week. But I must tell you that pics from the Golden Globes and all my other adventures will turn up on www.BillyMasters.com. And if you have a question for me, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Gilles teaches me the Argentine Tango! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.