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Filth2Go January 8, 2009

"Our guest today is Britain's best selling non-fiction author, having sold over 3 million books from 'I Can Make You Thin' to 'I Can Make You Rich' to 'I Can Make You Sleep'. I wonder if he can make me stay on the air!" - Bonnie Hunt introducing a guest to her recently cancelled talk show. Fingers crossed, Bonnie.

Last week, I told you how a few celebs rang in the New Year. As we went to press, we hadn't yet heard about the Rivers Family celebration. As I'm sure many of you have heard, Joan Rivers ran into a snafu at the Costa Rican airport - let me put on my surprised face. Auntie Joan states that although she got through four checkpoints without incident, she was not allowed to board the Continental flight because the gate agent could not understand why her passport said "Joan Rosenberg - AKA Joan Rivers." Of course, Rosenberg is her married name, and Rivers is her performing name. While all of this is true, it appears that the two names on her passport were not why she was barred from boarding. Apparently, her boarding pass was made out in the name of "Joseph Rivers"! Obviously this was not Joanie's fault, and surely one of the earlier checkpoints should have noticed this error. But, rules are rules and if the boarding pass doesn't match the name on the ID, then the person can't board...period. Except, of course, in an exception you'll read about later in this column (we in the business call that a "teaser").

Kellan Lutz spent New Year's Eve at the Shore Club in South Beach, where he spent most of the party wearing nothing but flip-flops and a pair of shorts. Nothing particularly gossipy about that, but it allows us to run the shirtless pics on BillyMasters.com. Elsewhere in Miami was our buddy Matthew Morrison, who didn't have any official events to attend. But that didn't stop him from also walking around shirtless - and showing off what regular attendees to "Broadway Bares" have seen for years. Definitely worth posting.

As an aside, let me tell you that by the second week in January, no one in South Florida is walking around shirtless. And I should know - I'm here right now and I'm bundled up...and I'm indoors! We've broken a 90-year record for the coldest temperatures. Fabulous. Just what I wanted to do on vacation - shop for sweaters!

Sharon Stone just got a new gig - on "Law & Order: Special Victim Unit." Stone will join the show for a four-episode arc, playing an assistant district attorney who was formerly a cop. This TV gig isn't a huge departure for Sharon. She won an Emmy Award for her guest starring role on "The Practice" back in 2004.

On other side of the spectrum, alleged insiders are speculating that Kathy Griffin has been banned from CNN after using the "f-word" on New Year's Eve. Trust me - CNN knows exactly what they're getting with Kath, and they're not all that concerned.

Tiger Woods may have had gay lovers! Note the word "may." That's because the allegation is coming from one of his mistresses - a dubious source at best. Said paramour is peddling a book proposal in which she states that she and Tiger took part in group sex and that she personally witnessed Woods having sex with other men. Needless to say, the specifics come with a $1 million price tag...which is quite a payday for a whore!

One of my favorite things is sharing photos of male celebrities looking less-than-stellar. But I don't do it to make those guys look bad. Au contraire. I do it for all of you. I think it's important to see that even these Hollywood hunks have good days and bad days. Without a bit of judicious Photoshopping, they look just like the rest of us (give or take). This week, we bring you Gerard Butler. In "300," he sported a God-like physique. However, when Butler was snapped last week in shorts and no shirt, it was more like tipping the scale at 300 pounds!

This week's "Ask Billy" question comes from Justin in Miami: "Have you heard about these twin guys who had sex with each other in a gay porn? I don't remember their names, but I saw them at a club and they were really hot - making out and grabbing each other. Do they really have sex in the film? And are they really brothers?"

I'm assuming you're talking about Milo and Elijah Peters, known as the Peters Twins (a last name I somehow doubt shows up on their Czechoslovakian birth certificates). The 19-year-olds were scooped up by Bel Ami and have turned up in a number of DVDs. I assume you saw them at Johnny's in Fort Lauderdale. Interestingly enough, they experienced a glitch right out of the Joan Rivers story that opened this column. You see, the airline misspelled their names on the tickets (which, again, leads us to believe it wasn't "Peters"). Unlike Joanie, the boys were able to sweet-talk their way on board, proving once and for all that airline personnel are far more amenable to hot Czech twins than an old Jewish woman. Uber-agent Howard over at Fabscout got on the phone and had the names fixed before the boys landed at JFK. BTW, sexy Johan Paulik tagged along as the boys' chaperone and also filmed the trip for members of www.BelAmiOnline.com.

Back to the sex portion of this story. Their most recent Bel Ami video doesn't include any co-stars. Just the two of them and can be found on the Bel Ami website. It's been titled "Brotherly Love", and that pretty much sums it up. Kissing, touching, oral, anal, you name it, the boys do it - and without any, um, "inhibitions." My colleague JC Adams over at GayPornTimes.com interviewed the boys. One quote jumped out at me. Milo said, "I have my brother if I want something. I love my brother and doing sex with him is just normal." Not the word I'd come up with, but I must say - they are awfully hot, as you'll see on BillyMasters.com. And, yes, we show everything, too.

Someone else showing all is Gary Coleman. Yes, the little midget from "Different Strokes" - and he ain't too happy about it. He's featured in the upcoming (surely direct to DVD) release "Midgets vs. Mascots" - guess which one he plays? Although he was naked on the set, he was allegedly assured there would be no full-frontal footage in the flick. Once he saw a rough cut, he complained to TMZ: "They didn't take my penis out of the movie. I'm not very happy about that. It's definitely stressing me out. I gotta go get a lawyer now." Translation? "It's not all that impressive."

Could it be that a certain vilified vixen is actually in cahoots with the target of her accusations? So say insiders who tell me that she was paid by her target - a fella known to spend quite a bit of time in the men's room. Of course, that's all in the past - along with his oral fixation. The current scandalous story of an extramarital affair was a carefully devised smokescreen to shift attention from the more accurate same-sex scuttlebutt. Everyone has their price, and this peach was paid plenty. Mister Big would rather be thought of as a hetero heel than a homo ho!

When a little person's penis looks small, it's definitely time to end yet another column. While I usually enjoy being at the Filth2Go Beach house, I'm anxious to get out of these frigid temperatures and back to sunny Southern California - and just in time for the Golden Globes. I'll be sure to fill you in on all the happenings over at www.BillyMasters.com. And if you've got something on your mind, feel free to write me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before TSA strip searches the Peters Twins! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.