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AUNT JOHNNY: Giving up sanity for Lent

So, I gave up drinking alcohol for Lent.

Yes, I know.

It is … quite possibly … the dumbest thing I’ve done to date. I wouldn’t blame you if you stopped reading from this point and de-friended me on Facebook.

It’s been one day – and my hands are already starting to shake from not having the comfort and stability of a martini glass in loving, loyal grasp. Well, in truth, the shaking may actually be the result of the six Hydroxycut tablets I accidentally took because I thought they were cinnamon Tic Tacs. But still. I never would have thought they were Tic Tacs if I was drunk – and I think that illustrates my point.

Abstinence is bad. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different.

As usual, you can blame Betty White for this embarrassing lapse in reasonable judgment.

“Why can’t we just give up orange juice like we did last year?” I whined on Tuesday over our mid-morning mimosas.

“Dumb.” She she said, rolling her eyes and pouring more champagne into her glass. “Because 46 days without our mid-morning mimosas was just plain lunacy. We had to use grapefruit juice. I don’t know how we lived through it.”

“Excellent point.”

We really should have thought that one through a bit more.

This is the worst possible time to go cold turkey too. Dear friends all around me are going koo-koo for cocoa puffs, and I am left to manage through the crisis without a drop to drink. If you ask me, it’s just irresponsible. Lord only knows the kind of ridiculous advice I’d spew without a buzz.

Take Charlie Sheen, for example. The poor dear is hanging on to the last three teeth left in his cracked out mouth, and is moments away from being put on a 5150 psychiatric hold after the police received an alarming call that he was threatening to harm himself with a firearm. The cops have raided his home today because under the restraining order obtained by Brooke Mueller, Charlie is prohibited from possessing weapons.

And then I find out that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have REALLY broken up this time. Like, officially. I guess. Well that’s the last thing I need.

It’s not a secret that JT has carried a torch for me since I choreographed the “Bye-Bye-Bye” music video for NSYNC. He flirts with me incessantly … showing his adoration by leaving voicemail messages on my machine pretending to be a lawyer that uses big words like “restraining order” or “harassment.” Clearly the boy has a crush – and now that he’s single and on the market, it’s only a matter of minutes before he’s at my doorstep serenading me with “Dick in a Box.”

He’s such a romantic.

But I just don’t have those feelings for him. How am I supposed to let him down gently if I’m not shit-faced and wearing my underwear on my head? I’m not a barbarian, for goodness sake.

Love ya like….Love ya like…I got nothin. I’m sober. I love nothing.

Aunt Johnny

For years now, Aunt Johnny has been doling out advice to celebrity friends and family - bringing a little dose of wisdom wrapped in wit, sprinkled with satire and sautéed in drama to those who can't seem to get their act together. He's helped to prevent fashion catastrophes, stupid career choices and petty romantic theatrics to some of the most famous names in show business and politics ... all from the comfort of his martini glass. Now, he's bringing his celebrity and pop culture buzz to San Diego Gay & Lesbian News. With tongue in cheek, he's taking pop culture shaken and stirred. Then he's shaking it some more.

Further reading

Link to Charlie Sheen story HERE.

Link to JT/Jessica Biel break-up story HERE.