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Golden Globes: Eight great lowlights

Giggles, groans and assorted snarky swipes from an inveterate Golden Globes watcher:

1. Host Ricky Gervais’ opening monologue consisted of small penis jokes lifted from the Howard Stern jokebook, gentle sparring with his American “The Office” counterpart, Steve Carell, and a softball swipe at Jay Leno. It was mercifully short.

2. Some wacky prankster told William Hurt that he was attending a Zachary Taylor look-alike contest.

3. There is nothing more cringe-inducing than when the camera cuts to the gritted smiles of the also-rans immediately after a winner is announced.

4. Is vainglorious “basterd” Quentin Tarantino using a black Sharpie to color his hair?

5. Gervais quipped, “One thing that can’t be bought is a Golden Globe…officially.” Funny, he looks old enough to remember Pia Zadora.

6. Due to the tight arrangement of the tables, many of the winners needed to consult a GPS system in order to navigate the slalom course to the stage.

7. Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger took time away from his busy job of running California (into the ground) to talk about his friend and frequent collaborator James Cameron. (Leave it to the Hollywood Foreign Press to cut to Arnold when German-born director Michael Haneke won the Best Foreign Film award for “The White Ribbon.”) And did Arnold, a malaprop master, really call Cameron’s film “Avidar”?

8. The highlight of the evening came when Robert De Niro and Leonardo DiCaprio presented Martin Scorsese with the Cecil B. DeMille Award. De Niro’s gag writer was working overtime. Get me a copy of those YouTube videos showing movie-crazed Marty having sex with a reel of the 35mm film that Bobby D. joked about. When Marty took to the stage to express his gratitude, his insights into DeMille’s legacy were so impassioned it sparked hope that people might actually track down some of the master showman’s spectacular productions. The clip selection and their assembly were strictly first rate. But after all that Marty has done to preserve the integrity of the motion picture image, they chose to show clips from his films that weren’t letterboxed. Stinks!

Scott Marks is an SDNN contributor.