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COMMENTARY: "Gay Oreo" boycott is making me fat

(Editor's note: Jacquetta Szathmari is a New York-based writer, comedian and social commentator. Her observations on race, class relations and the failures of modern society are presented with a uniquely intelligent perspective and a sharp-tongued wit. Szathmari has hosted and performed in comedy clubs all over. She produces the monthly all female variety show “Balls Out Comedy” at the Bowery Poetry Club in New York City. Her latest solo show “That Old Black Magic” will premiere in the 2012 Hollywood Fringe Festival. You can find her on Twitter and Facebook and tumblr. This is her first commentary for SDGLN. Let's us know what you think.)

Q: Why does One Million Moms hate the Gay Oreo?

A: Equality is going mainstream and corporate America is getting onboard. The apparently controversial imaginary rainbow snack seeks to ram the “gay agenda” down the throats of the American people with proud layers of multi-colored filling between two delicious wafers. This is no time to turn the other cookie.

The first time I saw the “gay Oreo,” my husband and I were leaving the Motherlode in West Hollywood having narrowly escaped karaoke night. With L.A. Pride not long past and the neighborhood being what it is, we were unfazed by a poster of the yummy ice cream sandwich; in fact, I wanted one. A moment later my husband said, “Oh wait, it’s a Pride ad, let’s just get pizza.”

The next day I got an instant message from a friend asking what I thought about the “gay Oreo.” Immediately my mind went to the worst, wondering if “gay Oreo” was a derogatory term for a gay black person who “acts white.” If only.

No, it was foolishness on a different level brought to you by our friends One Million Moms (OMM) whose sad sole mission is to make people think Christians are crazy hatemongers. They claim to be ridding the world of filth. They want to lead a boycott of Kraft Foods, which sanctioned the sinful cookie, makers of Velveeta (Satan’s cheese), A1 (the devil’s steak sauce), and other American favorites to demonstrate that they will only support companies that support moral decency.

Cool. Go Oreos. If this is what they are about, I will start eating them again. Maybe they’ll come out with even more flavor and color combinations such as immigration, interracial marriage and choice!

Ironically, OMMers don’t want corporations to actively fight gays, but just stay neutral. We all know what silence equals -- which is why something as seemingly benign as a rainbow cookie is so repugnant to them. Perhaps it’s the idea that the values tide is turning toward acceptance. The “gay Oreo” is brazenly rolling toward the mainstream occupying the very place where conservatives think they should be but aren’t. It’s out of the cupboard with rainbow double stuff all up in your face. Or perhaps more cynically, Corporate America just realizes that in these tough economic times, there is a large snack-loving group of people who still have money, jobs, upward mobility and a sense of pride in America – and they are gay.

It’s getting old. Last January, it was Girl Scout Cookies -- thanks to that scandal I gained five pounds supporting sweet sugary transgender acceptance! These Christian conservatives are ruining my hourglass figure with their snack boycotts. They are grasping at straws and I’m gaining weight. Gay is not going anywhere, even if you switch to nasty old Hydrox cookies. So good luck with that.