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Filth2Go, December 11, 2009

"We only know each other from seeing each other at awards ceremonies or those kinds of events. But whenever I see her, I always go up to her and start kissing her. I don't even say anything - I just kiss her. She must think I'm some crazy person." - Penelope Cruz talks about her obsession with Meryl Streep. Now I feel completely comfortable kissing Penelope when I see her.

The holidays are upon us, and some folks may be trying a variety of ways to slip into their festive garb. Whatever you do, steer clear of Slim-Fast. The manufacturer is recalling the popular diet product due to possible bacterial contamination, which could lead to nausea, vomiting and diarrhea - which, if I'm not mistaken, are possible side effects to all diet products. Hey, no one ever said losing weight would be pretty.

Colin Firth had to lose a bit of his "Mamma Mia" girth prior to shooting Tom Ford's oeuvre "A Single Man", which is an adaptation of a Christopher Isherwood novel. After all, if you're playing a gay character, you better be in shape! When asked by an interviewer about his taut physique, Firth gave all the credit to the fashionista-turned-director: "He told me I looked good, but I'd look better if I had a personal trainer" - which seems a bit disingenuous. Who wouldn't look better if they had a personal trainer? But that's neither hither nor yon (whatever the hell that means). When asked if the story was true, Ford said, "I told him he was fat." Well, there ya go.

There's a post-script to this story. Once Tom Ford actually saw his quote in print, he was horrified at how rude it came off - apparently he thought, "You're a big fat pig" was a compliment. He sent Firth an e-mail saying: "Sometimes in life I can be a little overly blunt." Firth says Ford wasn't quite so blunt and didn't mind the criticism. By the way, Colin never did hire that trainer - he just ate less. And, hopefully, avoided Slim-Fast!

You know how straight men always fantasize about lesbians, but you never hear straight women say that watching two guys is hot? Well, now we have. On "Cougar Town", Courteney Cox's character is kinda on a double date with a hot shirtless jeans model (played by a very sexy Aaron Blake - we'll run pics). After leaving the club early, she asks her friend how the rest of the evening went. "I went back to his apartment with him and his friend, and they spent most of the time making out with each other." Courteney's response? "Aww, I would have liked to have seen that." To which the friend said, "It was pretty hot!" Bravo.

Kellan Lutz was almost involved in yet another gay scandal - this time, at the hands of his own brother. It all happened while Lutz was filming in Portland, Oregon. His brother Randy was staying at the house (on Buffalo Street, according to Kellan) and wanted to find some housemates - which in itself makes no sense to me, but what do I know? The ad on Craigslist said, "We are the Buffalo boys. We are looking for very athletic guys for new blood. We are alcohol-friendly, we have a pool and a hot tub." Ironically enough, I have an ad that is eerily similar. Once Kellan started getting several provocative phone messages, he figured out what was going on and had the ad pulled. But he did end up with three male roommates, including one deep-voiced guy named Lance.

While presenting at the Gotham Independent Film Awards, Rosie Perez noticed Willem Dafoe in the audience. Referring to his nude scene in the indy film "Antichrist", she asked "Was that the real thing?" Dafoe sheepishly nodded, prompting Perez to say, "Well, hello Willem Dafoe." This prompted me to do some investigating. No surprise, we got ahold of Dafoe's penis and it is indeed something to behold. But it ain't the prettiest scene in the world. The female lead crushes Willem's testicles with a large piece of wood rendering him unconscious. She then jerks him off to the point that he ejaculates blood - which, if you ask me, is kinda gross, if not entirely unhygienic! Later, she cuts off her clitoris with a pair of scissors. Ah, so it's a comedy! On the positive side, John Waters has called the flick one of the ten best movies of 2009. Going back to that unconscious penis - you can see every inch of it (in stills and in motion) on BillyMasters.com.

The annual "Gypsy of the Year" competition is when all the Broadway shows get together to raise money for Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS. This year, they set an all-time record of $4,630,695 - that's over four and a half MILLION dollars. The Daniel Craig/Hugh Jackman play "A Steady Rain" was responsible for $1,549,952, almost tripling the amount of the previous record holder - "The Boy from Oz", which also starred Jackman. Something about Hugh seems to make people wanna give money. Make a note...

This week, "Billy's Holiday Gift Giving Suggestions" focuses on books - because clearly my fans enjoy reading. Since I know you love dishy gossip, I'm gonna recommend the latest from Mark Bego, "Elton John: The Bitch is Back". Next, my buddy J. Randy Taraborrelli has updated and re-released what is likely the most authoritative biography about Michael Jackson, subtitled "The Magic, The Madness, The Whole Story, 1958-2009". Sherri Shepherd's book "Permission Slips" might be marketed towards straight women, but, honey, as a gay man I completely identified with it and think you'll love it. You know how to make it even better? Buy the audio book on CD, which is read by Sherri...now, that's funny!

Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Mike in Wisconsin, "Do you remember the Hall Twins? I asked you about them a while back when they both acted on "Passions", but after a few little acting and modeling jobs, they seem to have disappeared. Do you know what they're up to?"

I did some research and the last time we tackled the Hall boys was when Mike wrote us in 2000. In the intervening nine years, there has been little to report on their careers, such as they are. Bruce Michael Hall started on "Passions" in 1999 and left in 2003 - at which point his twin Seth Hall took over the part (he stayed a year). Bruce transitioned to "One Life To Live" for a few months in 2003. Seth left acting, got a doctorate in pharmacy, and now works in research testing possible cancer treatments and cures. Bruce turned up on "Summerland" in 2005, and a flick in 2007 called "Fall of Night" (Seth played a minor part in the film). Thankfully, we still have those mega-hot homoerotic pics they did for Steve Underhill's book "Twins" back in 1999. In fact, that book is one that keeps on giving, and you might wanna track down as a gift. Or just check out BillyMasters.com.

Could it be that Beyoncé is headed to Vegas? Didn't I tell you that months ago? Talks between Knowles and The Wynn are proceeding nicely. I previously reported that Steve Wynn was thisclose to signing Beyoncé to alternate as headliner with Tim McGraw. We now hear that price tag of $750K per performance is being bandied about pretty liberally. I'll tell her what I told Tiger's wife - "Take the money, bitch!"

When Dafoe getting wood is a bad thing, it's definitely time to end yet another column. Next week, I'll be in London and Milan. I know - none of you feel sorry for me! But even during my travels, I keep up with www.BillyMasters.com, the site that keeps on giving. If you need a little bit more Billy, just write me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I knock on every door on Buffalo Street! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.